There was a time when I was stuck in my marriage. It felt like my husband and I were merely co-habitating.
No matter how many conversations we had about changes that were necessary and how unhappy I was with the conditions and dynamic of our relationship, nothing really changed long term.
Resentment, frustration, and loneliness were some of the emotions flowing through me on any given day. I didn’t know how long I could last.
I knew something had to change, but I felt like I was running into a brick wall.
When we don’t see a way forward, it doesn’t have to be a stop sign. It can be an invitation to relate differently to the facts around us.
Three Ways We Relate to Constraints
When life presents us with what looks like a constraint, we tend to slip into one of three modes:
Victim – believing, “The circumstances are stacked against me. The facts I see are the only options, so I cannot have what I want.”
Neutralizer – attempting to overcome by pushing harder, working faster, and trying to figure it out with sheer effort (like hitting that brick wall again and again).
Transformer – pausing long enough to ask, “What outcome would I love to create?” This allows more creative, elegant, and unexpected ideas to emerge.
Each of these modes could be explored in much more depth, and they truly deserve a deeper dive to do them justice.
But the essence is simple: Victim keeps us stuck. Neutralizer drains us. Transformer opens the doorway to better results with far more ease.
A Small Shift with Big Impact
The difference in how we relate to an “impossibility” often comes down to a single shift in language: from “I can’t because” to “I can if.”
“I can’t have the relationship I want because no matter what I say and do, things aren’t changing.”
“I can if I understand that taking responsibility for my focus, my energy, and my emotions gives me agency and the authority to make new choices.”
“I can if I understand that the ideas for the way forward already exist, and they come to me when I get in harmony with the outcome I really want.”
Beyond Relationships
You may not feel stuck in a relationship. For you it may be in your health, in your work, or in the amount of time or money available for the experiences you long for.
So many times we automatically tell ourselves “I can’t because…” without realizing we are acting from an old, limited way of thinking.
The Hidden Paradigm of “I Am Flawed”
There are a handful of limiting beliefs we humans tend to carry, shaped by our families, schooling, and culture. One of the most common is the deep-down feeling: “I’m fundamentally flawed.”
In The Soul of Money, Lynn Twist talks about three myths we are all born into in our society, and one of them is “not enough.” Feeling fundamentally flawed falls under that umbrella.
Nw, most of us don’t consciously recognize that we’re living with this belief, but it runs in the background like hidden software.
It shows up when we disengage from pursuing possibility because we don’t believe we deserve it, or when we accept that the path toward what we want has to be arduous.
On some level, we’ve bought into “not enoughness.” And that’s when we tend to respond as Victim or Neutralizer.
You Are Not Flawed
This can feel overwhelming, and the tendency can be to think we have to engage in years of therapy excavating and “re-wiring” this belief. But there is a workaround.
The truth is, on the most fundamental level, you are not flawed, you are fully resourced. You are not here to settle. You are a co-creator with the very power that is breathing you.
Just as a wave is not separate from the ocean, you are not separate from life itself. Each of us is a unique and specific expression of the one intelligence that holds it all.
Living From Enoughness
When you remember this, the questions “What would I love?” and “What would possibility look like for me?” become more than nice ideas.
They become the way you align with your true nature—your inherent “enoughness.”
From that place, possibility reveals itself. Options appear. Energy begins to flow in a new direction.
So the next time you hear yourself say “I can’t because,” pause. Let your heart whisper, “I can if.”
Be open to finishing this sentence: “I can if…” and see what comes.
Even the smallest situations can be invitations to practice. And every time you choose to shift, you strengthen your co-creative abilities.
A Final Thought
Your vision is not later. It is now. Your power to decide is not someday. It is alive in this very moment.
So ask yourself today: “What would I love?” Then lean into “I can if” to carry you there.
