There’s something really interesting that so many of us do, and today I want to break it down for you so you can recognize it, and stay on track with having and enjoying what you really want. 

This is what I’ve noticed that keeps us from the joy we crave: 

Instead of being present in the moment, we race past the moments we’ve worked so hard to curate. 

The moments we spent so much time and resources building. The moments of beauty, abundance, connection, or achievement we finally have, are we really receiving them, soaking them in and enjoying what we’ve created? 

Not that everything is perfect, but there are things going on right now that did work out. 

Instead of allowing ourselves to take in, to relish, to celebrate, we’re rewarded and even encouraged to look to future accomplishment, to busy ourselves in acquiring, becoming and achieving more.

I’m not suggesting that wanting more is bad or wrong in any way. On the contrary, it’s good to want more, but not at the expense of the “more” that’s already here. The only way we feel the reward of our “fruits” is being present, in the moment, right now.

Skipping over and skimming past the moment we’re in is actually driven by a form of fear. Two forms, specifically. And most of the time, we don’t even realize we’re doing it.

My Experience

The other day I woke up with what I can only describe as an unbalancing feeling. I was feeling like purpose was missing, as if I didn’t have enough of something, and a subtle anxiousness started taking hold, which began setting up my day for rushing ahead: to find, to acquire, to stockpile. 

A sense of subtle lack that could only feed a festering, bubbling brew of worry.

Then I just said to myself, “Wait a minute! What’s really true here?”

Looking at what I had in front of me, around me, in my life: I had asked for all of this. 

I had asked for a man I could rely on, trust, and build a thriving, healthy, functioning family with. Check. I had asked for my dream home. Check. I had asked for time to leisurely move in, acclimate to my new surroundings and neighborhood, to be slow, and feel spacious. Check.

I’ve come to this point in my life where I’ve put in so much love, intention and focus, and I have it. And yet I was still in this pattern of racing ahead, trying to fill what felt missing, skipping over the dream that is now my reality.

At that moment, what came to mind was something my nephew often says, “Everyone just calm down.” 

So, yeah! Let me enjoy all that I have, instead of skipping over it to secure more of what the fear is telling me I need, don’t have enough of, and don’t know how to acquire.

I think so many of us do this. Even before we put our feet on the floor, we’re already racing ahead in our mind, oblivious to the real purpose of our busyness, forgetting what we’re actually serving.

Two Starting Points

Start with one of two things:

#1 Acknowledge what it is you truly love to experience, something you’d be willing to give time, attention, and emotion to nurturing. Or, if that feels unclear or challenging:

#2 Acknowledge what’s in the way of what you want: a block, a thought, a condition, a circumstance, or a feeling, anything that’s been standing between you and either believing you can have what you really want, or having it. Then, imagine yourself without that block. Imagine what it would look like when the block is solved. Your affirmation will essentially represent the polar opposite of that block.

From either starting point, using imagination and love, say aloud:

“I love that I now see myself…”

And fill in the blank with a desired image or feeling that represents an outcome you deeply want to be enjoying. Here are some examples:

I love that I now see myself gathering on the deck, enjoying time with my healthy, happy, flourishing children.

I love that I now see myself writing the check for the final mortgage payment, with plentiful amounts of money remaining in my accounts.

I love that I now see myself sitting with my ideal client, who is so happy with our work together and is handing me three fabulous referrals.

I love that I now see myself fit, healthy, vibrant, walking down the beach, sand in my toes, wrapped in a flowing sarong, feeling so proud of myself and beautiful in my skin.

I love that I now see myself ___.

Two Forms of Fear

Here’s what’s really going on. It’s an undercurrent of fear, a feeling that things aren’t the way they should be and I have to fix them. And it pulls us in one of two directions.

The first is worry, a potential future we imagine and then try to alleviate before it’s happened: to make sure I have enough money, to make sure my kids are taken care of,  to make sure my family doesn’t get upset, to make sure I’m on time to work. 

Even when we’re not being negative about it, even when we’re simply looking forward to something, we go into this mode of, “I’ve got to take care of this, and this, and that.” That’s a form of fear that arises from a triggered nervous system.

The second is being stuck in regret, or self-judgment, or a sense of shame from what we wished we’d done differently. The thought is, “That shouldn’t have been the way it was.” This takes us out of the moment, too.

Both forms of fear do the same thing: they keep us immune to fully enjoying the present moment, to not fully experiencing it. 

And often, this kind of fear doesn’t look like fear because it’s simply running in the background. We don’t realize our behavior is being driven by past and future perseverations. 

What To Do

So, what do you do with the fear that occludes the present moment, leaving it blurred, unreceived and unappreciated? 

This might surprise you, but I’m not going to suggest that you just pause and appreciate and celebrate all that you do have, although that’s a valid recommendation. 

The reason I won’t suggest that is, sometimes we can’t authentically stop and appreciate what’s here because we can’t see beyond the worry, the remorse, the regret, or the self-judgment. It’s like a vice grip on our perception. We’re just not there yet.

Instead, my suggestion is that you first acknowledge the fear that’s present, know your nervous system is doing its job, and nothing is actually going wrong. This is what I call, neutralizing the fear, because only then can you genuinely move beyond it.

You can’t just shove it, brush it, or wish it away. A feeling left unfelt solidifies into undesired conditions and eventually expresses itself in not-so-lovely ways. 

So we first acknowledge that fear has been interrupting our sense of presence and keeping us from feeling safe to rest in the moment we’re in. That’s the starting point.

4 Steps to Handle the Fear that Derails Us from What We Want

Now that you’ve acknowledged what’s happening, let’s break down the four simple steps for what to do with worry.

Step 1: Recognize it.

Recognize the doubt, the worry, the fear, the consideration, the delay. And name it for what it really is. It’s the border of the life you’ve known. That’s it. Yes, it looks like the boogeyman at times, but the truth is, it has a positive intention, which is keeping you safe. And the truth is, 99.9 times out of 100, we are safe.

Step 2: Breathe.

Breathe in a slow, steady rhythm to calm the nervous system.

Step 3: Make a date with it.

Make a date with the fear, or the doubt, or the worry. Every time it comes up, say: “I’ll consider you three days from now.” You make a date with it, and you can even place it in your calendar.

Step 4: In the meantime …

• List. List all you have that you appreciate. (All the possible “good”).  Breathe in the feeling of having. Intentionally receive it all.  From this feeling:

• Affirm. Say: “I love that I now see myself…” and describe the image of your desired objective as if it’s already achieved. Essentially, you’re giving yourself an image that takes you beyond the struggle you’re in.

In all the years I’ve worked with clients, whether it’s speaking to an audience or working one-to-one, the biggest takeaway people report is learning how to relate to fear. 

How to handle that part that just digs its heels in, self-sabotages, or derails us from doing something new that we really want. That’s been the primary thing people want to know how to do.

Now you have a place to start. 

And, if you’d like to connect more on this kind of topic and you’re close to Columbia County, I welcome you to come to my free monthly gathering, The Inner Smile Project. We’re creating a tribe and it’s so much fun. Register here for our June 6th.